Decisions

I can’t point to a single moment where I discovered that I’m trans. I say “discovered” because this kind of thing isn’t a “decision”. Nobody decides to become transgender. It is just something that we are in the same way a cis man just is a man and a cis woman just is a woman. The difference is that, as trans people, we’re told at birth we’re one gender and our entire society is built around this assumption. It can take a lot to peek behind the curtain and discover our true selves.

The journey is different for everyone. Some trans folks know as early as conscious thought that they are not the gender they were assigned at birth. Others have a very clear moment in time where their egg cracked and they saw their truth clearly all of a sudden all at once.

For me, it was a slow acceptance of something I’d known all along but hidden from myself. Imagine a movie that you’ve seen all the scenes of, but only in bits and pieces. You caught the end on TV one time, edited for content. You saw the middle bit at a bar, muted, with just the subtitles. You tried to stream it one time, but life happened and you had to leave before you could finish it. Then, finally, it gets a re-release in theatres and you watch it from start to finish as nature intended. You don’t see anything new. You don’t learn anything. But you see it all much more clearly and understand it so much more.

Even this metaphor doesn’t quite cut it. I don’t have a “saw it in the theatre” moment. It was part of personal journey that had nothing to do with gender but as I dove into the why’s and wherefore’s of who I am it become impossible to avoid what that really meant. I could ignore all the little hints and pieces when viewed apart from each other. The whole story was there, kept out of sight, but as I looked more closely it became harder and harder to not put everything together.

Even when I “came out” to various people and groups, I hadn’t yet accepted my full truth. I “came out” as non-binary, originally. I was incredibly hesitant to overstate what I felt. My focus, to my own detriment, was to try and be respectful to everyone else over myself in the midst of this personal journey. I didn’t want to overburden my friends and family with having to learn a new name or pronouns. I didn’t want to invade spaces I didn’t belong in.

Once the journey was begun, however, it was impossible to get off the path. When I looked at the things that I didn’t like about myself, the things that weren’t right, they were all the masculine bits. And when I considered what I would like, what would be right, it was adding more femininity.

Transgender/gender nonconforming people talk a lot about “euphoria” and “dysphoria”. So often the journey to discovering oneself is presented as recognizing one’s dysphoria at their assigned gender and euphoria when experiencing their correct gender. This was my struggle. Even past the moment where I came out as non-binary, I was denying my own dysphoria and rejecting my own euphoria. I had to come up with “logical reasons” why I needed to adjust my pronouns or change my name: well, I don’t want to be mistaken as a cis dude; I don’t want to want to be presenting feminine and be called a masculine name but I don’t want my friends to have to learn two names, etc. It couldn’t be about me, but on examination I was only justifying my “eu” and “dys” phorias to myself.

Once I finally accepted that I am a woman, it all seemed so clear and easy. When not getting in my own way, I could look on my past experiences and it all seemed so obvious. The way I always had girl friends as a young child. The way I never really liked my boy friends that much as an adolescent. The way I would find myself interested in feminine things, but reject them because I was scared that meant I was a pervert or weird. The way other people did think I was “weird” or possibly gay. The way I gravitated to trans stories and considered myself such a strong trans ally without actually knowing anyone who was trans. I didn’t hesitate when I realized I should be on HRT. I was only sad I hadn’t started sooner. I didn’t hesitate when it came time to change my name or gender marker. Once I knew it was right I knew it wasn’t really a decision so much as a thing that needed to get done.

I can write out a million little moments where I could have realized I was trans earlier, a million little reasons I know I am and have always been a trans woman, a million little ways I hid that fact from myself and denied my reality. If my gender identity was at all a decision, it was only to decide to recognize who I am and accept that.