Spoon River

The title of this newsletter comes from “Serepta Mason”, by Edgar Lee Masters:

My life’s blossom might have bloomed on all sides
Save for a bitter wind which stunted my petals
On the side of me which you in the village could see.
From the dust I lift a voice of protest:
My flowering side you never saw!
Ye living ones, ye are fools indeed
Who do not know the ways of the wind
And the unseen forces
That govern the processes of life.

In 2022, I joined an online two year Meisner technique acting program hosted out of a theatre in Los Angeles. That class meant a lot to me and was a big part of my personal growth and discovery during that time period. At the end of the program, our final project/presentation/performance was to identify a poem from the Spoon River Anthology, figure out what question was asked to prompt that poem, and then create a short one person show answering that question.

“Serepta Mason” was my poem. The question I was posed was something like “why do you hold back and not share all of yourself?”. I used my initial response to this question as an opportunity to “come out” as transgender to my class. This response was then rewritten and edited to become my one person show. It functions as a fairly succinct summary of my experience growing up and discovering who I really am.

The text of my performance is below:

Bobby was a little kid who was described as quiet and mature for his age, but he had confidence, charisma, and a sense of optimism. He had a “best friend”, often a girl, everywhere: at school, daycare, in the neighborhood. Bobby even had an imaginary friend for when he was alone; her name was Bobgirl. 

Toxic epidermal necrolysis is a skin disease that, to put it mildly, causes skin to blister, flake, become necrotic, and fall off on at least 30% of a person’s body. This is often treated in burn centers in hospitals, so you can imagine it as spontaneous third degree burns. Over a period of time that included his 7th birthday, Bobby spent nearly a month in the hospital trying not to die as this disease covered essentially his entire body.

Robert came out the other side. He was shy, withdrawn, awkward, and embarrassed about himself. How does a 7 year old kid relate to other children who had never experienced anything like Robert had? How do you explain the scars peeking out of your shirt in a way that a child would understand when you’re a child and you don’t really understand what happened to yourself?

Robert coped with this by focusing on being a Good Kid. Good Kids receive positive reinforcement from school and daycare; reinforcement that was lacking from social interactions. Good Kids get good grades, are polite, help out when they can. As they get older they refrain from swearing, say No to Drugs, and generally stay out of trouble. This worked for Robert. He was constantly described as having A Shell and being Hard to Know, but the adults (mostly) respected him and his peers at least recognized him for his achievements.

Underneath the Good Kid exterior, the Shell he had built around himself, Robert still had to contend with the trauma of nearly dying, being scarred both mentally and physically by his ordeal. Even as a child Robert recognized the shift in personality, his sense of self, following his illness, but he didn’t receive the help he needed to process the weight of his trauma or his grief at the loss of Bobby. Robert had his Good Kid persona for school. At home, he might have expected to be able to let down his guard, express the pain, confusion, grief, and anger he felt.

Unfortunately, the marriage between Robert’s parents was unhealthy. They tried to “stick it out” for the kids, but as the years went by they increasingly resented each other and their lives. A quiet, mature Good Kid who could manage himself was their ideal. They didn’t have the capacity to provide the patience and support for anyone less than that. If Robert expressed himself (as a child does) he was chastised which caused him to be even more confused and upset, and so he lashed out. These were called “rages”.

In response to his “rages”, Robert was treated as a Bad Kid by his parents. Robert learned to isolate himself when he began to feel Emotions, try to calm himself down, but his parents insisted on chasing after him, continuing whatever argument was being had. He was compared disfavorably to the juvie kids his mom worked with. His younger brother was warned to not grow up to be like him. Robert was told that his entire family had to “walk on egg shells” around him, so Robert stayed in his Shell at home; he could not Be Himself anywhere so he became only A Good Kid.

Robert was drawn to Stories. He was an avid reader (such a Good Kid thing to do!), but would devour stories in any form - books, movies, video games. These were cathartic experiences that allowed him to live vicariously through characters who could Show Emotion when he could not.

In high school, Robert discovered acting which allowed him to even more directly live the experiences of these characters. The emotions he repressed he could let out on stage, perhaps shine a stagelight into his Shell. This could have led to self-development, self-discovery, but the Shell was too thick, the Good Kid persona too strong.

Work. Wife. Kids. House. The things that Good Kids achieve as adults. Robert, naturally, did it. He Good Kid’d his way into being a successful adult. The Shell remained, so didn’t make many friends. He could finally be himself at home, but at this point he didn’t even know who he was outside of The Good Kid paint he lathered on his Shell. Any thoughts he had to being other than a Good Kid were internally shot down as “selfish” or “fake”.

The Pandemic, while terrible and traumatic on a global scale, did provide one luxury for Robert: time. Time to think about himself. Time to focus on goals outside of being A Good Kid. Robert pursued acting again, 20 years delayed, but more importantly he pursued chipping away at his Shell.

I was asleep, going through the motions of life, but finally I had space to breathe and open my eyes. One thing I was told Good Kids Who Want to Be Successful Actors do is Network. But networking is ultimately just connecting with people and first I had to connect with myself!

I started saying yes to things, get out of my comfort zone. Stuff like Improv and generally performing in front of other people are things I’m comfortable with, but hanging out with those folks after was new territory. And that got me thinking about who I wanted to be, who I am, outside of just filling a role, being a Good Kid.

Therapy helped also to put my experiences growing up into perspective. And that helped me realize that my thoughts about who I am beyond being a Good Kid aren’t selfish, or fake, or just a cry for attention. They were me trying to crack the egg I had encased myself in. Finally did, cracked the Shell at least if not removed it entirely. Turns out I’m transgender! Who knew? But that’s just one piece of me I’ve discovered. I’m working on the rest.

Bobby and Robert were stunted by the bitter wind of life. Who would Bobby have been if he had been allowed to grow up? Would Robert have discovered he’s not “he” sooner? Who can say? You can’t go back. They are a part of me, but I’m more than their experiences. I’m still discovering my flowering side that no one, not even myself, saw before. It is difficult, but I’m working through it and I’m happy you’re here with me.

My name is Robin.